1st paragraph- I did not change anything for my first short opening paragraph, as I felt that it successfully pulls the reader in whilst giving an idea about what I want the reader to understand, however I am also vague enough to leave enough information out that the reader finds value in reading the full article.
2nd paragraph- In this paragraph I decided to remove one of the similis that I used as it was too wordy, wasn’t very entertaining and served no real purpose in my article, so for the second draft I removed it, I made no other changes here as the rest is still introducing the article.
3rd paragraph- The first change I made to this paragraph is removing the repetition of hours, it was unnecessary and served no purpose other than making my article look more long winded, whilst it did add a slight aspect of emotional language, it did not have enough effect to remain in the second draft. Also in the paragraph I removed more of the pointless content as it was more opinion than facts, this made the article seem less trustworthy and reliable as it was not very professional to add my Owen pointless comments.
4th paragraph- In this paragraph I made no changes as it introduced the direction I am about to take the article in, it also does a successful job of keeping the reader engaged with more rhetorical questions, because of this I did not want to remove them.
5th/6th paragraph-Here I also made no changes as both of these oaragraphs are 80% quotes and 20% explaining what I asked and her viewpoints, I did not see a reason to change anything here as all of this information seems relevant to the article.
7th and 8th paragraph- for the second draft I merged these two paragraphs into one, as both had some irrelevant information and where both about the same point, so to me it made more sense to cut out some of the filler and merge them together.
9th paragraph- Here I originally used sarcasm as an entertaining joke in my article, however I decided to remove this as I wanted my article to be more professional and serious rather than a joke, whilst my target audience may be C2DE in the NRS social grades, I still want the article to be more informative than comedic.
10th paragraph- In this paragraph I removed the repetition of the word “dreadful” however I replaced it with the emotional language of “hate” followed by “so much” again I only included this as it adds to the impact of the article, the rest of the paragraph was unchanged as I found it was a good conclusion to my article.
11th paragraph- I removed this small paragraph at the end as I found it completely pointless, the 10th paragraph acts as the ending to the article that I want and sums up my viewpoints, and this paragraph was what I disliked the most about the article, I can positively say my article is better without it.
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